More Phoenix Work
Fit Taks Ye
by
Drew Lawson
Oh, hello, Mrs Nicoll, fit taks ye up this wey on a Friday?
Fit dae ye mean, 'Fit taks me?'
Weel . . . Ah thocht ye aye went oot wi' Mary Campbell on Fridays.
Aye, weel, that yuised tae be the case. Nae onymair.
Fit wey, Mrs? Has Mary moved awa?
Ah couldna tell ye, Ah'm shiur.
My, that soonds awfie mysterious, Mrs Nicoll.
Diz it?
Weel, you and Mary bein' sae close an' a' that. Ah jist thocht . . .
Aye, Mrs Brock - fit did ye think?
Weel . . . Ah mean, you an' Mary hiv been boolin' thegither on Fridays fur sic a while, Ah jist thocht . . . weel . . . if ye're no boolin' ony mair, Mary must a moved . . . an' if she's moved, you wad be shiur tae ken far she's moved tae.
Aye, weel . . . if she's moved . . . Ah dinnae ken!
Is thur somethin' wrang, Rosie?
Fit dae ye mean, 'wrang' Jessie?
Weel . . . it's nae like you tae be sae dour far Mary Campbell's concerned.
Ah'm nae dour. Ah'm jist nae interested in that hizzie onymair.
Are ye sayin' ye've faan oot wi' Mary Campbell, Rosie? Is that fit it is?
Exactly richt, Jessie.
Ah . . . noo, that's an affa peety, Rosie.
An' fit wey wid ye say that, Jessie Brock?
Weel . . . you twa hiv been sic guid freends fur sic a lang time . . . no tae mention a smashin' pair at the bools.
Aye, weel, atween you an' me, guid riddance tae them baith, Ah say.
Tae thum baith ye say? Mary . . . an' the bools?
Aye, that's richt, Mary Campbell an' the bools!
An' hoo's that, Rosie?
An' hoo's that . . . Ah'll tell ye, 'hoo's that.' Because yon Mary Campbell is twistet. She's a
p-e-r-v-e-r-t-i-t wumman!
A pervertit wumman, ye say?
Aye, pervertit.
Fit maks ye say sic a thing aboot an aul' freend, Rosie?
Weel . . . ye maybe heard that the weemin's committee is objectin' tae servin' dinners onymair, tae the men at the boolin' club. We think they've been served han' an' fit fur lang enough.
Aye, aye . . . Ah think Ah did hear sumthin' aboot that, richt enough.
Weel, ye ken thon . . . thon Campbell wumman's man is the secretary doon at the club.
Aye, that's richt, Airchie Campbell. Oooo - a braw man, Rosie, is 'e no?
Braw man, naethin'. Mr Airchie Secretary Campbell says, 'Nae mair dinners - nae mair concessions!'
Nae mair concessions. Fit diz 'e mean by that, Rosie?
He means, Jessie, the leddy boolers wad hiv tae pey the same 'subbies' as the men - that's fit 'e means.
Ohhh, that disnae soond affa guid, Rosie.
No, it isnae guid, Jessie. It means oor 'subbies' wid be doobled if he gets his wey. He says, oor reduced 'subbies' is a privilege. A privilege because o' a' the wark we dae wi' the meals on a Seturday. But the traith, Jessie, is that the weemin' dinnae hae the same richts as the men at the club. An' that's fit wey, we hannae had tae pey the same dues.
So, fit has this tae dae wi' Mary Campbell? An fit wey dae ye say she's pervertit?
Weel, Airchie Campbell, bein' secretary an' a', 'e hiz a lotta clout i' the club. An' Mary Campbell says she cannae go agin 'im, in this maitter. She says, when they goat mairriet, she promised tae luv, honour an' obey 'er man.
Aye, weel, richt enough, Rosie, richt enough.
It's no richt enough, Jessie Brock. Nae wumman in her richt mind, nooadays, wad promise tae obey 'er man . . . or ony man! That wis the bad aul' days.
Aye, aye, ye're richt again, Rosie. Yet, in her turn, when Mary goat mairriet, she did promise. She says she did.
Jessie! They's jist words. Aince a loon's catchet, it comes doon tae commonsense. It's a'richt lettin' thum think they're in chairge but we ken that's jist pretend. The days o' slavery are past. Ask Mr. Nicoll . . . he'll tell ye . . . Ah'm 'is wifie, no 'is flunkie! Naebodie wad expect onybodie tae keep sic a promise nooadays.They were words fur a different time. Mary Campbell's jist usin' thum fur an excuse.
Aye, weel, ye maybe huv a point, Rosie. But Ah tak it, Mary Campbell disnae agree.
No, Ah widnae say that a'thegither but - she says she still couldnae go agin 'er man because she promised tae honour 'im tae, an' she says, that means respectin' 'im an' no makkin' 'im look sma' in public - which 'e wad dae, if she wiz tae go agin' 'im o'er the dinners.
An' fit did you say tae that, Rosie?
Ah said, 'If that's fit's botherin' ye, sort 'im oot in private.
An' fit did ye mean by that?
Ah said, If he wis determined tae tak awa' oor privileges, she should tak awa' his.
Tak awa' his? Ah dinnae unerstan', Rosie?
Awe, Jessie . . . . . Ah telt her, if he wis my man, Ah wid cut aff 'is conjugials until 'e gave in.
His conjugials? Oh! An' did she agree tae that?
Ach, aff coorse she didnae agree. If she hid agreed, Ah widnae be sittin' here on a bus wi' you, on a Friday, wad Ah?
No, Ah suppose no, Rosie. Hmmm . . . so Mary's really happy tae pey the extra 'subbies', then.
No! She's jist really happy wi' the conjugials, isn't she. Ah telt ye - the wumman's pervertit.
So, whit's happenin' aboot the 'subbies', then? Hiv ye tae pey the same as the men, noo?
Ah'm no peyin' ony 'subbies' noo - Ah'm banned.
Banned, Rosie. Fit wey ur ye banned?
Weel, yon Mary Campbell went an' telt 'er man fit Ah said aboot cuttin' aff 'is conjugials, didn't she?
An' 'e banned ye fur that?
Nae! The committee banned me fur skelpin' 'is lug at the AGM.
Fit wey did ye skelp 'is lug, Rosie?
Because, Jessie - in front o' the hale club - he says, 'Ah dinnae ken fit wey Mrs. Nicoll's speikin' aboot conjugials, she wadnae ken conjugials if they bit her on the backside.'
Rosie, he nivver!
Aye, he did. An fit's mair, he says, 'Mind you, there's no mony kin tell her backside fae her frontside!' Ah wis black affrontit.
An' ye skelped 'is lug?
Aye!
An' the committee banned ye, jist fur skelpin' is lug?
Weel . . . Ah did hae a bottle o' semi-skimmed in ma han' at the time. Ah wiz on the teas, ye see.
Rosie! Ah thocht this hale thing wiz aboot the weemin no daen the teas onymair?
Ach, no, Jessie, that wiz the dinners. The teas is a labour o' love fur oor guid men!
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